Understanding and confronting your limiting beliefs

[October 28, 2021 — article by Tamara Rose Morales]

Disclaimer: Working on your limiting beliefs is a continuous process, and really a life-long practice. It’s not something you do once, or journal once, and then it’s done. The concepts we are going to explore in this article are something that you have to make part of your daily practice — something that you have to bring consciousness to every day. Not in huge ways, and even the tiniest of ways count and will make a difference. Consistency is key here.

First of all, let’s explore the following definitions …

A belief is the acceptance that something exists or is true, about yourself, others, or the world, even without the proof of it. It’s something that you accept as a fact. It’s often something intangible, something that’s in your mind but you take it as a fact.

A limiting belief is something that limits your capabilities and the way you live your life. It’s something that gets in the way of what you think is possible for yourself or other people.

We all have a shit ton of limiting beliefs! This is just the programming we have, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with us or that we’re broken.

However, it’s very important that we identify our limiting beliefs — because when we don’t we will continue to find ourselves in cycles that are detrimental to us, others and the planet.

How are limiting beliefs formed?

Limiting beliefs are formed when you make a limiting decision. It’s a decision that you made in the past to protect yourself, and it most often happens in childhood.

Imagine a bright and sweet girl — let’s call her Lisa. From an early age Lisa has a temperament to lead and take action. When with her friends she’s often the one who comes up with new ideas for games, or brings other kids together for fun activities. In school everytime an opportunity is announced, such as becoming the class representative, being the lead in a new school play, or organizing a bake sale for the school’s summer party, Lisa wants to go for it. Lisa’s parents don’t like this. They want her to focus on school and having good grades. So everytime an opportunity like this comes up and Lisa shares her ideas with her parents, she hears them say that she shouldn’t go for it. And more than that, sometimes her parents become really impatient and raise their voice, and tell her that she should just keep her head down and focus on studying. And a few times her parents get so upset that they send Lisa to her room and tell her to contemplate what it means to be a “good girl”.

Every time this happens Lisa feels bad — and experiences the emotions also in her body. Her throat becomes dry and tight, her heart beats really fast in her chest, she feels light-headed and her tummy cramps. The situation feels emotionally and physically overwhelming.

This is when Lisa makes a limiting decision. She will no longer go after what she wants. Instead she will try to stick more to what her parents tell her. Their love and approval is more important than anything else.

There are few more situations where Lisa keeps being her old proactive self — but every time her parents find out she gets reprimanded. Her limiting decision locks in.

She becomes much more quiet and introverted, studies a lot and spends less time with her friends. Every time an opportunity comes up that she would have normally gone for, her limiting decision kicks in and she holds back. This happens over and over again until her limiting decision becomes a behavioral pattern of NOT going for things that are important to her, and consequently a limiting belief has been created that’s holding her back from realizing her full potential.

As Lisa grows older, she makes limiting decisions over and over again. By the time she is an adult women she might hold limiting beliefs such as:

“Whenever I go for what I want it has bad consequences for me.”

“I should focus on what others want and expect from me and not on what I want for and expect from myself.”

“Pleasing others and sticking to rules is more important than my needs.”

Investigating your limiting beliefs

Do Lisa’s limiting beliefs sound somewhat familiar or similar to how you talk to yourself? Or do you recognize yourself in her childhood experiences?

I want to invite you to think deeply about what are the things that you find yourself saying by default? What are the things that you say to your friends when you don’t want any attention? What do you say, to yourself and others, when you downplay your capabilities, shrink yourself, and make yourself a little bit smaller?

Here are some examples of common limiting beliefs:

I am not pretty or thin enough.

I’m too young.

I’m too old.

I’m not good enough.

I can’t trust people.

I always fail.

I’m not capable or qualified enough.

I will never be successful.

I don’t have enough time.

It’s too late.

No one will listen to me, or care about what I have to say.

I can’t be my real self or I’ll be judged.

I can’t ask for what I want because I may get rejected.

How you talk about yourself matters

Start paying attention to your language. Both when you communicate with others as much as in your self talk. Try to do that without judgement. Just observe and notice. At this point it’s all about creating self awareness — you don’t need to try to change or fix anything right now. This is how you start identifying your limiting beliefs.

If you struggle with identifying your limiting beliefs or don’t manage to catch yourself in unhelpful and negative self-talk, here are some situations that usually trigger these mental patterns and that you should pay particular attention to:

• When you make excuses.
• When you complain about things.
• When you indulge in negative thoughts.
• When you indulge in unhelpful habits.
• When you talk to yourself in limiting and unhelpful ways.
• When you jump to conclusions and/or make assumptions.
• When you hesitate or express your fears.
• When you worry about failure or about making mistakes.
• When you worry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
• When you think about procrastinating.
• When you think about indulging in perfectionism.

It can be really hard to not judge or excuse your thought patterns and the beliefs you hold about yourself. Remind yourself that this is a process, and by starting to consistently create awareness you have made one of the biggest and most important steps towards releasing your limiting beliefs in the future.

A journaling exercise for you to explore

You need to confront your limiting beliefs first before you can start working on releasing them. And you need to get out of your mind to do that. Take a piece of paper and journal your responses to the following prompts:

1) What limiting beliefs do I hold about myself, others and the world?

2) How are they holding me back from living my true and full potential at work, and life in general?

3) Where do these beliefs come from?

How does it feel to write about your limiting beliefs? How does it feel to stare your limiting beliefs in the face? Remember: Some level of discomfort is going to be part of the process.

Making your limiting beliefs manageable

Congratulations for reading this far — and hopefully completing the journaling exercise, and learning a thing or two about yourself. You’re on the right path but please give yourself time to walk these steps and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Some limiting beliefs are so deeply and heavily ingrained in us that we will never be able to completely release them. And that’s ok. It’s all about cultivating the ability and practice to confront and manage your limiting beliefs. You’ve got this, you can do it, and please know: You’re not alone.